Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“HELP WITH CAT”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.