Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.