some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.