So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.