me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
You Might Also Like
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list