If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!