hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile