Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.