My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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