My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.