I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Blew out my flip flop…
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.