Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
New favorite tiktok
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m not stressed
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.