my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
There is wisdom there.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
The prophecy is fulfilled
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*