[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
2023 was just a warmup
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.