Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
me before I type out affect or effect