Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition