interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen