ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.