How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.