Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
These are too funny not to post 😂
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.