Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Maths meets science
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance