my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.