Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?