Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache