I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out