“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
i hope my email finds you on fire
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.