Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
You Might Also Like
This could be us but you eatin’
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Knock Knock
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.