One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye