I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…