“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
You Might Also Like
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Hmm, not sure about this change
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.