[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
You Might Also Like
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
waiting for halloween be like:
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died