Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Perfect
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.