I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!