When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Money is the root of all wealth
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.