interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Dietest Coke
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’