“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
You Might Also Like
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
we’re dead?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️