why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*