imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
favorite tropes as memes
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Friday
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout