Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: