Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
You Might Also Like
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM