I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?