A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
look at me when i’m typing to you
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.