A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Teach your children to beatbox
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.