Oh yeah that’s it
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
That’s classic.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?