The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.