A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
We are the people our parents warned us about.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.