CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.