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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.