I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Had an epiphany today.