Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
You Might Also Like
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
School be like
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.